Tourist plus moron equals Tourons.

Yup, one of those. He came through this morning — a Saturday — at 7:30 am, fer gawd’s sake. He squeezed past my Jeep, which I park in the middle of the road for occasions just like this, and kept going!!

I had to climb out of my nice warm bed, in my long-johns, and chase him down at my back gate. Which reminds me, now that the budget has passed, I need new silk long-johns. The seat is shot.

Anyway, I catch him by the back gate — a Jeep Patriot, dark gray, license number 6ELS776, outside his Jeep, fiddlin’ with my gate. I am hopping mad at this point and make him turn around and go back out the way he came. He says the front gate was open, so I follow him. He stops at the top of my one and only neighbor’s driveway. I pull up next to him. (I can’t get out of my Jeep, remember, due to the exposure of my back side.) I point him in the right direction. Apparently, he doesn’t believe me, as he pulls out his GPS. Idiot.

I follow him, and sure enough, the front gate is open. The lock is gone. I go through about one lock a month during the touron season. This one lasted only 2 weeks. Hunters. They like to f*** with me. Every time I put up No Tresspassing/No Hunting signs, they tear them down. Of course, the USFS has a sign at the bottom, saying “Locked Gate, 5 miles” but tourons cannot read.

I guess I got spoiled. My road was closed for 2 months due to the fire and its aftermath. It was so peaceful up here. I only had to chase off one touron during the whole time!

The only thing I can think of is to put up a solar-powered security camera at the gate. Even a fake one might help. Either that, or I can ask the USFS to open season on tourons. I could bag my quota in just a couple weeks!